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Is it just me? 

Intimacy equals vulnerability through conversation.
Trust is established through empathy and vulnerabilty.

When one is the patient and the other not,
Simulates a science project not a relationship.

Shared does not mean same.
Nor oddly different.

Shared means relatable,
through common feelings.

All in a state of flux and change,
Not so strange to find common feelings.

Power comes from the high horsed helper
Doing what’s visable, not what’s real.

Work not for the weak or timid,
Touches your own Gremlins.

I empathize with you,
I’ve felt that too.

Not the time nor place to train again and again,
Stated intentions eliquently, I have to believe you know.

Can’t spend anymore time cultivating,
Hard to focus and, sustain my own path.

I can only pray, and continue forward
Can’t force what isn’t mine to give, or take.

  

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On the Highway

Today’s treat is one of a kind.
Road trip helps clear my mind.

Just the two of us in the car.
Treasured moments as we go far.

Another treat awaits in the Bay.
Husband, sons, Naz and Keke for the day.

Dreaded gearing up to go,
Not sure for this I could really show.

Taking our time, no rush to get there
The journey, time with baby, mine to share.

Enjoying the day with family that came so far.
This day, out of the gloom, provides a shining star.

God keep us safe along the way.
And thank you for the strength to enjoy this day!

  P

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Roots

Defined: a) underground part of a seed plant body …. Source of absorption and food storage or as a means of anchorage and support. b) the part of which it attaches to the body. c) underlying support, d) essential core.

This is our tree, as you can see it’s roots are exposed and as the tree gets bigger there’s concern that it will fall over. I took theese pictures because we are removing it next week. It’s 13 years old and was planted when the house was built in 2002.

My Roots

Are feeling redefined
Exposed and intertwined

Where’s my underlying structure and support?
It’s been my spine, knee, and feet put on report.

My food storage and absorption are all off track.
As excerice, mobilty and energy I lack.

So many emotions are coming up,
Coupled with pain all fills my cup.

As our tree is strong, beautiful and healthy it appears.
Roots, conflict, it must be exhausted, weak,full of tears.

How much support can those roots be giving?
On top of the soil its amazing its living.

With my source of grounding, stability and sustanence in question.
I know I am sad, tired confused and unsure of direction.

So until I can get my roots stable, attached, nurtured underground.
My eyes, faith, conversation skyward will be found.

“Come unto me all that labour and are heavily laden, and I will give you rest” Matthew 11:28

  

   

 

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God Take the Wheel

The honeymoon is over,
Infatuation with something new.
The energy and charge I get,
new things to think about and do.

A break from the humdrum
Extra ordinary daily existance.
To wake up excited with new possibilities,
Tasks to check off a list, with insistance.

Back to feeling as I’d started,
Pulled out tools and tricks I’ve learned.
Nothing seems to be helping. Grumpy,
tired, and restless. Missing peace I’d earned.

Half of me thinks I’m just tired and
This is just getting into the grind.
Other half thinks it maybe a huge thorn or shenpa, believing my birthday was too kind.

Tears flow as I type it,
that must be the spot,
Feeling pathetic and unworthy
of all their time and thought.

This is exhausting, if for me,
For them it must be too.
I hate being stuck and needy
These thoughts I must undo.

Why can’t I find me?
I’m looking everywhere.
I’ll even take the old me back
At this point I don’t really care.

I don’t need bells and whistles
Or big epiphanies.
I want an everday life, a simple routine,
So my soul I can appease.

God thank you for your grace today
In allowing me to delay this grief.
Please God, continue to provide comfort,
in your plan, I have faith and will see relief.



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A Funk Is A Funk, Pain Is Real

Sometimes a funk is just the mood I’m in.
No need for judgement, looks of shagrin.

I’m doing some hard stuff, each morning awake feeling hit by a truck.
While I would love to wake more rejuvenated, I don’t, but neither am I stuck.

It’s a process and pain is real.
If i give in for a smile, I will not feel.

I need to focus on the progress of being off most meds., what’s going well.
Rather than disappointing weight gain, sorrow, apathy and feeling like hell.

I know logically my immune system is down.
Caught a cold, also caught a frown.

Coming off a rally and birthday high, Is leaving me exhausted, with a heavy sigh.

Tired of being the troubled focal point,
Can see his irritation of doing this as joint.

I know in my brain it’s all worth while.
I’m tired, I hurt, I’m sad, can’t rally a smile.

Dear God, I turn this over to you.
Please carry me today, so I can see it through.

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Life Hacks for a Busy Life. 

I’m learning that there are so many tools available that we either don’t know about, or are in places we don’t think to look. Here are some strategies that I have used recently to help me and thought maybe they could help someone else.

  1. Outlook or a calendar with alarms and reminders. I wanted to start yoga and take advantage of some massages I had stacking up. I found the class that fit my schedule and put it right into my calendar. I used the calendar to find a reoccurring appt. Time for my favorite massuse and put it right in the calendar. When I go to work on those days I pack a bag to change for yoga. And I go straight to my appointments. I don’t go home first and I treat the appointments like meetings so I’ve never missed any. 
  2. You Tube and TED talks. If I want to learn about something or if I have a favorite author and want to hear more about something I’m reading I look it up in YouTube or TED (apps for both are on my phone.)   I watch them and it lets me hear from their own words, more on the topic. And often similar links will also be offered for more information. 
  3. There’s an app. for that. Although I liked going to the yoga class they only had one that fit my schedule. An app called Yoga Studio has lots of great classes at multiple levels as well as for back pain and meditation. With 1,290 great reviews I invested the $3.99 for the app. They didn’t have additional charges later and it was cheaper than my $30 for 30 days with the other class I had. Best part I could schedule classes into my Outlook calendar and treat it like a real class. Also the medical app. That works with coordinating my health care information also has suggestions through WebMD. I’d ignored these emails forever. I recently noticed they had something to track pain management. Anyway they have a lot of great articles and a pai management Dailey tracker also one for pregnancy and other health issues. A bible app is helping no only study the bible but has several excellent tools within it to share or explore. 
  4. Using my phone wall paper to focus on something I want to focus on regularly. It could be to study or shift my mood or attend to something. So whatever it is take a picture of it or a screen shot with your phone. Then save it on the lock or home screen based maybe on privacy you want on the item. I am suprised and smile every time I see it as I’m reminded how smart it was that now I see it several times a day. And I have a different one for my lock and home screen. 
  5. Lastly, I purchased myself a ring really a pair of rings. I used it to symbolize a commitment I’ve made to myself. That commitment has several layers of behavior changes I want to address but I kept procrastinated starting especially about food. So I touch or turn the rings to remind me of my intention and the big picture of what I want. It’s been another great reminder and reinforcer that comes in handy multiple times in the day. Ironically my daughter and I had also talked about using a ring for a different purpose. It came up with some clients I had that argued a lot about whose idea to follow. So I suggested they take turns and they said they wouldn’t be able to remember whose turn it was. They suggested a friendship ring they could trade back and forth indicating whose turn was next. She and I talked about how cool that would be to do with who treated last as we often fight over the bill when we go out, each insisting the other did it last time. So a ring would be a fun way to keep track. She bought me a ring for my birthday and I suggested we use it for that as I had just bought myself the other rings. She loved the idea and we agreed to add anytime one person did the other person a “solid” or favor of some sort. So it is actually the person that does the treating gets the ring until the next person treats in favor or by paying the tab. 

Anyway I thought I would share. Our lives are so busy. If someone can find a way to make it easier better not to reinvent the wheel.  Take what works, leave what doesn’t.